69 Minutes

IMDb previously lumped together two ’70s films under this title 69 MINUTES -the credits displayed were for a comedy spoof, but I’m reviewing the XXX action movie that is currently available on Vol. 105 of Something Weird’s Dragon Art Theatre series. (Yet a third video with this title exists, a 1986 Tracey Adams comedy which was retitled NUDES AT ELEVEN.) The ’70s pair now have separate, distinct listings.There was evidently an ambition to make more than just porn, with some competent photography and attempts at action stagings, but the film quickly falls apart and lapses into an all-sex format.Opening has a robbery at a grocery store which turns violent, leaving the owner a bloody corpse and the middle-aged, balding bandit (escaping with his two gals dressed as checkout girls in what seems like an inside job) getting away with a suitcase full of money. It’s never made clear the source of this loot, which certainly doesn’t look like daily takings from some Winn-Dixie.A fairly elaborate parade with marching band adds some local color to this Southern-fried opus, I’m guessing made in Texas from the cast’s noticeable twang. Early reels feature a shootout with the cops and lots of tracking shots of the getaway car motoring down the highway, first at night and later the next day. A certain level of competence here is misleading, though the actual action footage is clumsily and amateurishly staged.Soon, however, it becomes obvious that just cranking out an hour-long stag loop was the ultimate decision of the filmmakers. We’re treated to a nonsensical progression of scenes, strictly to provide the porn house audience with non-stop sex, much of it asinine.There’s a local constable named Jones, who jerks off to the pages of Screw Magazine while imagining having sex with an OK girl. Squawk box identifies him as manning Car 69, closest the film comes to identifying the source of its title. Only credits on the print list Gang Bang Studios -not exactly a leading indie.In the getaway car the lovely driver manages to masturbate with a greased revolver barrel inserted in her vagina while driving -not recommended. The creepy robber is getting it on in the backseat with Tanya all the while.The trio arrive at a hideout, and film’s credibility disappears. A black cleaning lady is there, who immediately drops her duster and joins in for a threesome in bed. Tanya heads for the nearby beach to work on her suntan, and picks up a well-hung bearded stud named Bob, bringing him back to the hideout for further group sex. An all-out orgy erupts when an unidentified couple drops in.Comic relief of a sort is provided when the cleaning lady exits, noticing the open suitcase of money, from which she grabs a big bundle of $20 bills and makes off unnoticed. Bob is visiting with a 30-foot boat, and when he balks at taking the trio to Tampico, Mexico for their getaway he gets shot dead on the spot -more cheap blood effects. Finale is completely idiotic, downbeat and hurried in an effort to wrap up this garbage as quickly as possible once the sex dies down.The women here are not very attractive, and the ever-ready leading man is very poorly cast – looks more like an over-the-hill grind-house patron than a porno action hero. Funky musical score is acceptable, but the film fails to justify its existence.Ironically, with the ongoing revival of interest in vintage porn, quality be damned, this ephemeral junker is easily obtainable on video, while the R-rated comedy of this name made in Kansas City, credited to Naughty Boys Productions, has seemingly evaporated.